Who Am I, Really? Values, Identity and Sense of Self

We can move through life as a daughter or son, friend, partner, parent or colleague. We might identify strongly with our career, our family or the roles we have taken on throughout our lives. We can become very good at knowing what other people need from us in these roles. We know how to keep the peace, how to help, how to be there for others and perhaps how to avoid disappointing people. But somewhere along the way, we can lose touch with who we really are underneath all of those roles.

We can become so used to considering what everyone else needs, wants or expects that we don't always stop to ask ourselves the same questions.

What do I need or want? What matters to me and what do I value? Who am I when I'm not trying to be what someone else needs me to be?

Learning to put others first

For many of us, some of these patterns can begin in childhood. As children, we are constantly learning about the world around us and about relationships. We learn what brings connection, approval and acceptance. We can also learn, sometimes without anyone consciously teaching us, what might lead to disapproval, conflict or rejection.

I learnt to be the "good" child. I became particularly helpful and worked hard to keep everyone happy, noticing when those around me were upset and responding to their needs. None of these qualities were necessarily bad. Being caring, thoughtful and aware of other people's feelings can be wonderful qualities. But prioritising the needs of others over my own didn't help me to develop a true understanding of my own needs, desires and preferences.

I became a people-pleaser, often making decisions based on what would keep everyone else happy rather than what felt right for me.

I was also quite overprotected as I was growing up. There were things I had little control over, and perhaps as a result, I didn't always have the opportunity to develop confidence in making my own choices, navigating difficulties or trusting my own judgement.

Looking back, I can see how these experiences may have contributed to me reaching adulthood without really knowing what my own preferences, needs, values and identity actually were.

Who am I underneath all of that?

This is something I have been thinking about and exploring in my own life. I've been asking myself questions about who I am, what I value and what is genuinely important to me.

I've found myself thinking about the different roles I have had throughout my life and the expectations that can come with them. I've thought about the ways I respond to other people's needs and how easily I can put those needs before my own.

One of the things that has helped me is thinking more deeply about my values. These are the things that matter deeply to us - the qualities and principles we want to guide the way we live. They might include things such as honesty, kindness, connection, freedom, family, creativity, compassion, courage, faith, learning or authenticity.

There isn't a right or wrong list. The important thing is that our values are ours.

Sometimes, when we have spent a long time prioritising other people's needs, it can be difficult to identify them. We might choose something because we think we should value it, because our family values it, because our friends value it, or because we have been told that it is what a successful or "good" person looks like.

Taking time to explore our values can help us begin to understand ourselves more deeply and recognise what is genuinely important to us.

You are allowed to discover yourself

Perhaps you're reading this and recognising some of yourself in it. Maybe you're very good at looking after everyone else but struggle to identify what you need. Maybe you know what your partner wants, what your children need, what your family expects and what your friends prefer - but if someone asked you what you wanted, you wouldn't be quite sure how to answer.

Perhaps it starts with noticing, becoming curious and asking yourself some questions:

What do I actually enjoy? What makes me feel alive? What drains me? What matters to me? What do I believe? What do I need? What would I choose if I wasn't worried about disappointing someone else?

You might not know the answers straight away. That's okay.

Sometimes discovering who we are is less about finding one definitive answer and more about slowly getting to know ourselves.

Knowing yourself isn't selfish

I think there can sometimes be a fear that focusing on ourselves is selfish. But knowing ourselves doesn't mean caring less about the people we love. In fact, I think it can help us have more honest relationships.

When we know what we need, we can communicate it.

When we understand our values, we can make choices that feel more aligned with who we are.

When we become aware of our boundaries, we can begin to say yes because we genuinely want to, rather than because we're afraid to say no.

And when we stop constantly trying to be everything everyone else needs, we may find that we have more space to be ourselves.

I'm still learning this. I don't have it all figured out, and I don't think any of us ever completely do. But I've come to believe that knowing who we are is important.

Not because we need to create a perfect version of ourselves, but because we deserve to have a relationship with ourselves that is honest, accepting and kind.

Perhaps that's part of what discovering who we really are means - not becoming someone new, but slowly becoming more able to hear ourselves underneath all the noise of expectations, roles and other people's needs.

And perhaps we can begin with one simple question:

What matters most to me, really?

What do you value most?