Learning to Be Kind to Yourself

Being kind to ourselves sounds simple, but I know from my own experience that it isn't always easy.

I've often found it much easier to show kindness, patience and understanding to other people than to myself. I can be quick to reassure someone else that they're doing their best, that they don't need to get everything right, or that it's okay to rest - whilst expecting something different from myself.

I've also recognised how much people-pleasing can be a part of this. Wanting to keep everyone happy, avoiding disappointing people and putting other people's needs before my own can sometimes feel easier than asking myself what I need.

These are things I've been learning about myself along the way, that I continue to work on. I'm learning that being kinder to ourselves isn't about "getting it right". It's about developing a little more compassion for ourselves and making room to simply be human.

Turning down the inner critic

For me, self-compassion has involved noticing an inner critic.

That voice can be quick to tell me that I should have done more, done things differently, or done them better. And when perfectionism gets involved, it can feel as though nothing is ever quite enough.

I'm learning that I don't necessarily need to silence that voice. Instead, I can turn the volume down. I can notice the thought without automatically believing it. I can ask myself: Would I speak to someone I care about in this way? And I can try to find a kinder, more balanced response.

Learning that good enough is enough

Perfectionism can make "good enough" feel like failure.

But I'm learning that doing my best doesn't mean doing everything perfectly. Sometimes it means accepting that something is good enough and allowing myself to move on.

This can be particularly difficult if we've spent a long time measuring ourselves by what we achieve, how productive we are, or how well we meet other people's expectations.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves: I don't have to be perfect to be worthy of kindness.

Resting without earning it

I'm also learning that rest doesn't have to be something I earn.

It's easy to keep going because there is always something else to do. And if you're someone who tends to put other people's needs first, taking time for yourself can even bring up guilt.

But rest isn't selfish.

Sometimes self-care is going for a walk or seeing a friend. Sometimes it's saying no. Sometimes it's doing less. Sometimes it's simply allowing yourself to stop.

We don't have to be completely exhausted before we're allowed to rest.

Being kinder to ourselves

I don't think learning self-compassion means that the inner critic disappears, that we stop caring about other people, or that we never make mistakes.

For me, it's about noticing.

Noticing when I'm being hard on myself. Noticing when I'm saying yes because I'm afraid of disappointing someone. Noticing when I'm expecting perfection from myself.

And then, when I can, choosing something a little kinder.

I'm still learning and some days I manage it better than others.

But perhaps that's the point. We don't have to be perfect at being kind to ourselves either.

We are allowed to be works in progress.

We are allowed to rest.

We are allowed to say no.

We are allowed to make mistakes.

And sometimes, good enough really is enough.

Sometimes it's enough to simply stop, breathe and be.