Understanding Your Emotions: The Window of Tolerance
Updated: Oct 2
We all experience emotions, but that doesn't always mean we know what we're feeling. Sometimes we might know that something doesn't feel right without being able to put it into words. We might feel tense, overwhelmed, restless, numb or disconnected, but not recognise these as signs that our nervous system is becoming dysregulated.
Learning to notice our emotions - and how they show up in our bodies - can help us begin to understand what is happening and what we might need.
What is the window of tolerance?
The "window of tolerance" is a term used to describe a state where we are able to manage what is happening around us and respond in a reasonably balanced way.
Within our window, we may feel calm, present and able to think clearly. We can experience emotions without feeling completely overwhelmed by them, and we are generally better able to make choices and respond rather than simply react.
When we experience stress, anxiety, fear or overwhelm, we can move outside this window.
We might become hyperaroused - feeling anxious, angry, panicky, restless or overwhelmed.
Or we might become hypoaroused - feeling shut down, numb, disconnected, exhausted or as though we want to withdraw from everything.
This can happen to all of us. It isn't a sign that we are doing something wrong.
The important thing is learning to recognise what is happening and discovering ways that can help us return to a calmer, more grounded state.
Learning to notice what we are feeling
Maybe anxiety feels like a tight chest or a churning stomach. Anger might feel hot or tense. Sadness might feel heavy or bring a feeling of tightness in the throat. Your experience may be completely different. There is no "right" place for an emotion to be felt. The aim is simply to notice.
Using an emotions wheel, instead of simply thinking "I feel sad," we might discover that we feel disappointed, worried, lonely, frustrated, ashamed, overwhelmed or hurt.
Being able to notice, name and understand an emotion can help us work out what we need.
Grounding and finding our way back
When we notice that we are becoming dysregulated, grounding strategies can help us reconnect with the present moment and create a little more space between what we are feeling and how we respond.
Different things work for different people. Some strategies you could try include:
Square breathing
Imagine a square.
Breathe in slowly for 4 seconds.
Hold for 4 seconds.
Breathe out for 4 seconds.
Pause for 4 seconds.
Repeat for a few rounds, without forcing your breath. If holding your breath doesn't feel comfortable, you can simply focus on a slow, steady inhale and longer exhale instead.
Use your five senses
Bring your attention back to the present by noticing:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch or feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
You can also simply pause and notice what your senses are experiencing around you.
Connect with your surroundings
Feel your feet on the floor. Notice the support of the chair beneath you. Look around and name where you are. Hold something with a familiar texture. Take a slow breath and notice the sensations as you breathe.
These small moments of grounding can help remind our body and mind that we are here, in the present moment.
Getting to know ourselves
Learning about our emotions isn't about stopping ourselves from feeling difficult things.
Emotions are important. They can give us information about what is happening within us and what matters to us. The more we become familiar with our own emotional experiences, the easier it may become to recognise when something is changing.
What am I feeling?
Where do I notice it in my body?
What might this emotion be telling me?
What do I need right now?
We may not always know the answer straight away. But learning to notice, name and make space for our emotions can be an important part of learning to regulate them and finding our way back into our window of tolerance. And perhaps, over time, it can help us develop a kinder and more understanding relationship with ourselves.
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